Sunday, March 14, 2004
hohoho. nothing. gunbound! ethan peck is so cute. dotz.
over and out 9:37 PM
woke up in the morn at 11am. smsed jacky abt sentosa. and he called back to say he's there already!. dotz. rushed all the way down. reached there ard 1230. frog stayed with me to go see my younger sis while the rest went back to sji. hot. humid. tats wat sentosa was. saw the band parade. saw my sis. saw shuyu. saw sean. din noe he was the dm already. impressive. lol. den went to sji to look for my son. which was not supposed to happen. they are having a camp. in the end went home without seeing my son. crap. was walking home from the mrt. so tired and everything.
listened to a1's "caught in the middle" while walking.
"Thoughts of you are in my mind always
Like a memory that I can't erase
It's here to stay"
dunno whether it was becoz i m damn tired or wat.
felt so miserable. but juz
thot back of wat really were the happiest days of my life.
missed it so much. din even bothered to look at the traffic while crossing.
seriously courting death. maybe subconsciously i was
trying to find an end to all tis pain and misery. i always
thot i had it under control. always
thot tat i din really care for these 2 months. always
thot tat watever he does i dun give a damn. but every inch inside of me is
dying to know wats he's doing.
how's he's been. the missing link in my life. i have been really feeling so miserable these 2 months. how ironic it was for me to tell ppl wat to do in my previous blog. i can't even do things rite. i guessed tis is the time where every mixed emotions and feelings comes out. the most scary but inevitable thing has come. depression.
it
feels really horrible to be alone for so long. i know tat frens are there for me. but. it feels
different with him ard. i
felt i lived a life more complete. been running away from the truth tat
"my life is a mess without him".. my life now is like a never ending storm.
hardly ever finding peace with myself. always tossing and turning. it was
him tat brought me to a nicer world. a world where i know everything will be fine with him ard. but.
all these are gone. worse thing is tat. up to now. i dunno why. i feel angry at myself. den i
feel angry at "tat sch" 's ppl.. i felt tat
it was them who destroy my world. my life. they took something important and priceless away from me. they dun seem like nice ppl to me. they feed things into his mind. bad things abt me. I HATE THEM!
why muz they do tis to me? take away wat little i already have? but i always remind myself.
" dun be childish. it might not be their fault. " but. if i dun blame them. where else could i find the reason for this destroy?
i feel unjustified. i can't run away from tis. its always at the back of my mind these 2 months. i
want to have peace. but i
juz can't help tinking abt him.
it really have been nice if i could sing the song "somewhere out there" to myself. and smile fondly to myself. as i sit here and type the blog. it was really hard. the lyrics from "somewhere out there" keep making me feel really lonely. alone in the world.. by myself.
i
dun want to lie to myself anymore.
i really really missed him.
over and out 12:24 AM